The Words given by My Father That Rescued Me as a New Parent

"I believe I was merely trying to survive for twelve months."

Former reality TV personality Ryan Libbey expected to cope with the demands of fatherhood.

But the reality quickly proved to be "very different" to his expectations.

Serious health problems around the birth resulted in his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was thrust into acting as her chief support as well as caring for their baby boy Leo.

"I took on each nighttime feed, every change… each outing. The role of mother and father," Ryan stated.

Following nearly a year he reached burnout. It was a conversation with his own dad, on a bench in the park, that made him realise he required support.

The straightforward words "You're not in a good spot. You must get support. What can I do to support you?" paved the way for Ryan to express himself truthfully, ask for help and start recovering.

His situation is far from unique, but infrequently talked about. Although the public is now more comfortable addressing the strain on mums and about PND, less is said about the struggles fathers encounter.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance

Ryan feels his challenges are linked to a broader failure to communicate amongst men, who still absorb negative notions of manhood.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the rock that just gets hit and doesn't fall with each wave."

"It is not a display of weakness to seek help. I didn't do that fast enough," he explains.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, explains men frequently refuse to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not justified to be requesting help" - especially in front of a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental well-being is just as important to the household.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad gave him the space to take a respite - taking a couple of days abroad, outside of the family home, to get a fresh outlook.

He realised he needed to make a change to focus on his and his partner's emotions as well as the practical tasks of caring for a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -reassuring touch and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That insight has reshaped how Ryan perceives being a dad.

He's now composing Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will assist his son better understand the vocabulary of emotional life and understand his approach to fatherhood.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since having his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen did not have reliable male parenting. Even with having an "amazing" bond with his dad, profound difficult experiences caused his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their bond.

Stephen says bottling up emotions resulted in him make "bad actions" when he was younger to modify how he was feeling, turning in drink and drugs as an escape from the hurt.

"You gravitate to substances that don't help," he says. "They may briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will ultimately cause more harm."

Advice for Coping as a First-Time Parent

• Talk to someone - if you're feeling swamped, tell a trusted person, your other half or a professional what you're going through. This can to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
• Maintain your passions - keep doing the things that allowed you to feel like yourself before having a baby. This might be exercising, socialising or a favourite hobby.
• Look after the physical stuff - a good diet, getting some exercise and when you can, getting some sleep, all are important in how your mental state is coping.
• Connect with other first-time fathers - hearing about their stories, the difficult parts, as well as the positive moments, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Understand that seeking help does not mean you've failed - prioritising yourself is the optimal method you can support your household.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the loss, having been out of touch with him for years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead offer the security and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they practise "shaking it out" together - processing the frustrations constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become more balanced, healthier men due to the fact that they acknowledged their pain, changed how they talk, and taught themselves to manage themselves for their children.

"I am now more capable of… dealing with things and dealing with things," says Stephen.

"I wrote that in a note to Leo last week," Ryan says. "I wrote, on occasion I think my job is to guide and direct you what to do, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I'm learning an equal amount as you are through this experience."